they're just feelings, she says

I've been going to therapy for almost two years. Eastern's counseling program "strongly suggests" that students do this. I naturally hemmed and hawed for a few months. My argument...it's freaking expensive. And I, a student, have very little money. But I decided it was worth a shot. So two years in, approximately thousands of dollars spent, and exactly 47 gallons of tears shed, I can say that it has been well worth it. Every bit of it. I probably would have said this at just 3 sessions in, but I want to publicly declare it.

I would also like to point out that after spilling my feelings to her week after week, my therapist sprung this on me, "They're just feelings." I just sat there, mouth agape. I'm a fairly emotional person (which MIGHT be an understatement) and have spent many hours in therapy sorting out my feelings. FURTHERMORE, my professors have beat into us the importance of "getting at the emotion" during sessions with clients. So this statement kind of threw me. If it's true, why the hell am I putting so much time and energy into feelings... both personally and professionally?

I often find myself overwhelmed with emotion, both good and bad. So, naturally, I dismiss them... (or, as my brother likes to say, "push them down...deeeeeep down."). The problem is, my feelings then drive me. Mostly out of my mind (buh-dum-ching!). Ignoring our feelings might be great at first. We feel strong and in control when we can convince ourselves that we don't care. And at times, we need to, just to stay sane. But there's something freeing about sitting with our feelings. Allowing ourselves to hold our feelings, in therapy or with good friends, liberates us from them. As we examine them, we can put them in perspective. Because although feelings are real, they're not reality. They're not the only things that exist and they shouldn't be the only things that motivate us. I do fear that if we put so much stock in feelings, we'll find ourselves riding their waves...thinking and behaving in ways that do not take other factors (especially other people) into account.

I definitely still have a hard time accepting that my feelings aren't paramount. They kind of led me to this profession and keep me engaged with my clients. I feel connected when that bit of heartache creeps up as I listen to them talk. I don't think I'd be me without it. But while I can appreciate and listen to my feelings, I don't have to let them take over.

So...I hereby release you to go forth and grab ahold of your feelings! Then tell me how you did it, because I'm still unsure...

dear diary...i mean journal

I was asked by an anonymous follower of my blog to quote, write more, end quote. I think he's just bored...considering a TRUE follower would reveal his identity by actually signing up. At any rate...

I guess I generally think that I have to have some pressing pondering in order to write. A plan...a purpose... or a punch line. Writing has never been my forte, so writing on a whim doesn't always work out for me. I'll probably even edit this a few times.

One writing endeavor I'm pretty good at is journaling. I've been journaling for years, ever since I was like 7, when got my very first diary. If I recall, it had Garfield on it. It also had a lock, to keep out my nosy sisters and brother...I couldn't have them reading about my deepest darkest secrets! Like how I was soooo mad that I missed "Doughnuts for Dads" in 3rd grade because I was sick. I was seriously distraught about that. Anyway, I wrote probably a handful of entries and totally lost the key. So many childhood thoughts...trapped.

I think I resumed writing in a journal as soon as I felt old enough to call it "journaling" instead of "writing in my diary." I've gone through so many phases of this common practice. From reporting my daily activities (captivating ones like..."Dear Diary, Today I went to the candy store with my sister. She's so annoying. We bought Mambos.") ...to exploring my writing style (at one point, I was convinced that someone would turn it into a memoir, so I made sure to sound really existential)...to figuratively vomiting all of my feelings onto the page (oh the ways one can say "hate"). All had their use, I suppose. But I think there was something missing in the process.

Lately, I've been using writing more therapeutically. I know that reference probably makes some people gag (me too, a little). Sometimes I hate when I suggest to clients that they journal. It's kind of like replying "What do YOU think it means?" to the question "So what do you think?" It seems like a cop-out...an easy answer to a really hard question. Unfortunately, like all classic therapeutic tools and interventions, they're classics for a reason. We, ourselves, have to figure things out. And writing DOES help.

I know that a lot of people use writing and journaling as a therapy. But I assert that we need to approach it in the different way. While my figurative vomiting had some cathartic effect, it kind of just emptied me. I wasn't filling myself with anything new. And actually, those awful feelings that I wrote down probably never left me. They peeked out, screamed, and retreated back, deep within me and probably festered (I'm picturing this like "Alien."). I think putting time and thought into our writing...really working things out as we write...and allowing our words to really sink in to our hearts and minds is way more therapeutic than spilling everything on the page. Yes, we might feel better for a minute; but most likely, we'll feel empty afterwards. When done thoughtfully, I believe writing can really connect parts of us that are usually disconnected. Our prose, in whatever form, can become a road map to ourselves.

So even though I still write like I talk...with fragments...with hip-kid/hep-cat vernacular (OK, I obviously don't even know what that is anymore)...and with ellipses... I'm trying more and more to really be thoughtful about what I write--even when I think no one will read it.

on a side note...

This post has nothing to do with being a therapist...and everything to do with being a blogger.

I have my very first follower! I won't mention her name, because I don't know what the etiquette is. But, I find it amusing that on my "dashboard" (you know, where I, the pilot of the blog, flies the blog, so to speak), it says "1 Follower." Then next to that it says "Manage." I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to manage my one follower. Rachel's kind of unruly. Shit, I mentioned her name.

Addendum: I love my follower.