giving myself a break

For some reason, I've had this notion that therapists have to have their shit together. So when I feel all over the place, am inarticulate, and seem to have an overwhelming amount of problems, I fail to see how I can help anyone else. I'll admit that I feel this way now.

Usually, when I go to someone for help, I assume they must have some ultimate authority on the subject at hand. I assume so because I desperately want them to have THE answer to my problem. I've struggled with the problem long enough, and I just want relief. Just give me an answer. Gimme. I swear I'll do it.

I might regret this, but here's a personal illustration: I'm not so good at dating...never have been...and at one very clever point in my life, I even referred to myself as the "One Date Wonder." When I reach complete frustration, I go to my dating gurus (I won't divulge my sources). I usually get some encouragement, some advice, some laughs at my expense. I seek advice because there are those moments when I still see myself as that little kid who just doesn't know or understand reality. Just take my hand...lead me to the answer. After getting my advice, I naturally go try it. And usually......I fail. And hate myself a little bit more for not being able to follow simple guidelines. So why, when I do what others do and suggest, it doesn't work for me?

The simple answer is they are not me. While they have success in an area that I don't and may even share my values, they don't have my history and my experiences, my brain and my perception. One of those things probably screws with their advice.

I'm slowly coming to understand that therapists don't have all of the answers. And they also don't necessarily have their lives together. If we did, we wouldn't be human. Our job is not to point our clients to some agreed upon or right answer. We don't blindfold them, give them a nickel, and launch toward to some promised land...watching and waving as they float away. Our job is help our clients find their own answer...even if it's not what we would choose. We go to their side, take their hand, and walk with them...maybe nudging them but never dragging them. For clients, they gain insight and control over their lives. For us therapists, we avoid beating ourselves up when our clients come to us and say "It didn't work."

SO. To my clients...I AM trying to get my shit together...I really am. But like you, it's a work in progress. To my friends, family, and acquaintances, on the other hand, I'm happy to give advice...and you should take it.