NEWS FLASH: endings make girl sad

so, i'm moving at the end of June. my plan (as of this minute) is to take respite in Ohio for a week or so, then ultimately land in the land of (less) opportunity...California.

i've had this California idea for a while now. the seed was planted long ago when my lifetime Philadelphia roommate/lifemate and i made a pact...if we weren't "tied down" in three years, we'd move to there. three years passed, and one of us (not me) was tied down temporarily. and i was in a groove in Philly...good job, growing and deepening friendships, totally awesome haircut. no point in moving, i thought...things are good. and they really were. so much so, that i decided to commit to 3 more years in Philly by entering graduate school. but as soon as i hit tough times during my first year, my once subsided desire resurged. i really wanted to get out.

i soaked in this dissatisfaction for a while. it was awful, and my friends can attest. while this steeping hurt, it brought me new life. during those three years, i deepened in so many ways and, i began to release my flavor more fully (i'm hanging on to the tea analogy, if you haven't noticed). i came out of my "depression" revived. things were still hard...school was more demanding...i was often lonely. but i felt fuller. i noticed that my friendships were stronger than ever and i was a better friend (and i can obviously also attribute that to the other people involved). i felt more secure in myself, found God, and refined my purpose. all good things, i'd say. so...why leave?

i think i ask myself that question about 17 times a day. i've been processing my move for about three months now, so that's 17 multiplied by 90 days....makes it...(calculator)...1530 times so far. my answer has morphed over time, and i discover something new each time someone else asks me the same question. i don't think i could fully articulate my answer here on this page, nor do i think the reader could follow it or truly be that interested in it. but if you know me, you've probably gotten some version of my answer. and i hope it was acceptable

ok, here's something short. in short, i want to find more pieces of me. family, love, geography, to name a few. it scares the shit out of me to even write those three reasons, because i have no idea what i will find in those areas. IF i will find anything in them. but i suppose...no...i am willing to try this and see where my move will take me and bring me.

oh right, endings. ever since i made my decision, i've continued to soak in Philadelphia. i kind of thought i would detach, but instead i've continued to attach myself and allow it/others to attach to me. i'm not sure if this is good or healthy or whatever. at times, i feel as though i'm abandoning that in which i've invested here. but i'm doing it. it makes this goodbye thing a lot harder, but maybe much more meaningful. but i AM still invested, even if i'm gone. while that is difficult to (as my old supervisor would say) concretize, i think that's how i want it. while i'm losing a lot, more than i ever imagined, i want to hang on....i really do want it all in some form. is that wrong?

new endings keep manifesting themselves as my departure grows near. while it's incredibly saddening, often debilitating, and just really painful, i think that the fact that i have to face these endings, and steep in them will somehow make me a better person. that's my hope, at least. and THAT really IS a news flash to me.