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Start of Summer (See Jane Wear)
7 years ago
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
"Please don't put your life in the hands of a rock and roll band."
In February 2010, I hit a really hard time in my life. Given, I probably could say that about many points in my life. But objectively, I think this period would be tough on anyone. I was in L.A., working four jobs and JUST getting ready settle into a somewhat cohesive life there. I was making some money, had found a place to live, was making friends, found a church, and was growing to like (maybe even love) Southern California. But back in Ohio, my dad had injured his back, and it wasn't healing. In January, after a series of tests and some odd physical manifestations, he was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a blood and bone marrow cancer. Although it's a cancer with a shockingly good prognosis if treated properly, all of us were scared, especially because the cancer had taken quite a toll on his otherwise very healthy, strong body. This is also the first major illness that my immediate family has had to deal with. Although my life in L.A. was coming together, my internal world was kind of falling apart. I wanted to see where my life in L.A. would take me, but I was having a hard time deciding how I wanted to respond to this crisis. My head was telling me to stay...my heart was telling me to go home.
I decided to give my two weeks notice to my four jobs and leave L.A. But I began missing my life there, even before I left. The sights, the sounds, the ocean, the desert...my friends, my family, my opportunities. I was feeling aimless and lost as I (yet again) made plans to leave a place that was becoming a part of me. I needed something to hold on to. A few days before I left, my dear friend scored me a ticket to see the band "Mumford & Sons" play at the Troubadour. And therein lied a familiar catalyst for feeling hope...MUSIC.
For MONTHS, my friend had told me to listen to them, but I never found the time (or remembered to). So I went into the show as a virgin fan. If you've ever heard their music, you know it has it all: foot stomping rhythms, soul-wrenching lyrics, and soothing harmonies. Listening to them that night sparked something within me. I felt like I had a bit more direction...a bit more hope. With lyrics like...
"but I will hold on hope.
I won't let you choke
on the noose around your neck.
And I'll find strength in pain.
And I will change my ways.
I know my name as it's called again."
...how could you NOT feel hopeful? I think even more hope came from the fact that the lead singer/lyricist seems to seek truth through his music. Or so I've been told by a mutual friend. Just listen...you'll see.
I left L.A. on this high note. As time went on, though, my hope dissipated. I felt more lonely than I ever had. Those words and that music seemed very distant. In talking with a world-traveler/kindred-spirit friend of mine about it, we decided that there is often a great disconnect between how music makes us feel and how we really feel...or even just plain reality. I decided to get down-and-dirty with what I thought and how I felt about my current state. Through conversation with some very wise friends and with the help of some devotionals and my trusty journal, I was able to pull away from the fantasy of music and actually identify MY hopes and fears. I realized (for like the hundredth time) that the words of songwriters and bands like Mumford & Sons are not MY words...even though it'd be awesome if they were.
I think that music and all sorts of art can be extremely helpful tools in figuring out our selves and our lives. I would use films and music all of the time with my clients in therapy sessions (I remember referencing "The Matrix" with one client. And if I recall correctly, it totally cured her). They can help us make sense of things. They can be a catalyst for own thoughts on life, ourselves, the world, and even God. But in the end, I think we're meant to create our own story, not to borrow from someone or something else. And I, the budding therapist and music-lover, learned that I need to write my own lyrics, even if they're not as rhythmic, soul-wrenching, and foot-stomping as I'd like them to be.
I decided to give my two weeks notice to my four jobs and leave L.A. But I began missing my life there, even before I left. The sights, the sounds, the ocean, the desert...my friends, my family, my opportunities. I was feeling aimless and lost as I (yet again) made plans to leave a place that was becoming a part of me. I needed something to hold on to. A few days before I left, my dear friend scored me a ticket to see the band "Mumford & Sons" play at the Troubadour. And therein lied a familiar catalyst for feeling hope...MUSIC.
For MONTHS, my friend had told me to listen to them, but I never found the time (or remembered to). So I went into the show as a virgin fan. If you've ever heard their music, you know it has it all: foot stomping rhythms, soul-wrenching lyrics, and soothing harmonies. Listening to them that night sparked something within me. I felt like I had a bit more direction...a bit more hope. With lyrics like...
"but I will hold on hope.
I won't let you choke
on the noose around your neck.
And I'll find strength in pain.
And I will change my ways.
I know my name as it's called again."
...how could you NOT feel hopeful? I think even more hope came from the fact that the lead singer/lyricist seems to seek truth through his music. Or so I've been told by a mutual friend. Just listen...you'll see.
I left L.A. on this high note. As time went on, though, my hope dissipated. I felt more lonely than I ever had. Those words and that music seemed very distant. In talking with a world-traveler/kindred-spirit friend of mine about it, we decided that there is often a great disconnect between how music makes us feel and how we really feel...or even just plain reality. I decided to get down-and-dirty with what I thought and how I felt about my current state. Through conversation with some very wise friends and with the help of some devotionals and my trusty journal, I was able to pull away from the fantasy of music and actually identify MY hopes and fears. I realized (for like the hundredth time) that the words of songwriters and bands like Mumford & Sons are not MY words...even though it'd be awesome if they were.
I think that music and all sorts of art can be extremely helpful tools in figuring out our selves and our lives. I would use films and music all of the time with my clients in therapy sessions (I remember referencing "The Matrix" with one client. And if I recall correctly, it totally cured her). They can help us make sense of things. They can be a catalyst for own thoughts on life, ourselves, the world, and even God. But in the end, I think we're meant to create our own story, not to borrow from someone or something else. And I, the budding therapist and music-lover, learned that I need to write my own lyrics, even if they're not as rhythmic, soul-wrenching, and foot-stomping as I'd like them to be.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
turn, turn, turn
I'm aware that thinking of life as seasonal is not new. In fact, as the title to my entry illustrates, there are songs, entire bands, and even a chain of hotels reflecting this theme (I wish I could give the reader some sort of discount on any of these...alas, this blog is completely non-sponsored. and I'm not sure discounts exist on retired bands). The idea is often sought to help explain change...in weather and moods alike. It could be the metaphor for change. And one thing is certain: therapists love metaphors. In fact, if I (or my client) am able to design one during a session, I'd consider the session to be a success. It's pretty liberating to be able to creatively compare the mess that you're feeling to something more concrete or formal. And, when I was practicing, I was definitely partial to using the season metaphor with clients.
In past entries, I've noted various therapeutic techniques that might seem like "cop-outs"--you know, easy things a therapist can say avoid thinking or listening too hard...not that we ever do that. But I'm here to tell you that while these techniques might be common, they are not cop-outs. They are common for a reason--just like pop songs are popular for a reason...they're catchy.
The concept of seasons is hard to avoid, especially since we and the world are constantly changing. There's a reason for seasons. And a reason to talk about seasons, I venture to say. Thinking about our time on earth in seasons may help us make sense of our lives as a whole. Just as, I imagine, mother nature uses them to makes sense of herself. Here, I'll talk about how I'm using it to make sense of my own life. I can do that because you're not my client.
Anyway, I'm currently not practicing therapy. I'm "in between jobs" as they say. It has been an interesting year for me, having uprooted myself from Philadelphia and moved to L.A. And then having turned right back around to Ohio after only 6 months. While an event in my life initiated this latter move (the former move was...just a move), I find myself feeling lost...again. It's becoming a common feeling for me. Part of me really wanted to move back to Ohio and be with my family. Another part wanted to stay in L.A. to see where the four jobs I had acquired would take me. Deciding one way or the other did (and never does) appeal to me. I want it all...at one time. Because I think that if I have it all, I won't be lost. But we all know that can never happen on this earth. I just can't seem to convince the disappointment center of my brain of that fact. So, I'm trying to re-train myself to see my life in seasons, where I can re-experience different parts of my life in a new way...if I want. When I get a chance to "revisit", everything could be different than I imagined. Unlike earth's seasons, our seasons may not look so uniform. For example, right now. I moved home to help out my parents, and naturally, I moved in with them. Although I've caught myself reverting back to 14-year-old Emily, my experience in this season of life is way different than my last season here. And thank God. I have to remind myself that revisiting isn't necessarily going back in time. Rather, it's a chance to move forward and hope for new life. Kind of like the real Spring.
Since I moved from L.A., I've told myself (and others whom I miss dearly) that I could return at some point. Who knows? There's a lot I had yet experienced there. Even though I might want to just pick up where I left off, it won't be the same. But that might not be a bad thing. When I think about it, even earth's seasons haven't been the same each year. I remember one 80 degree New Year's Eve in Philadelphia. True, that can be a little unnerving (scary global warming!). But it's also a little exciting. We might think that each season will be the same as the last, but we never know what a new (or old) one might bring.
"To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven."
In past entries, I've noted various therapeutic techniques that might seem like "cop-outs"--you know, easy things a therapist can say avoid thinking or listening too hard...not that we ever do that. But I'm here to tell you that while these techniques might be common, they are not cop-outs. They are common for a reason--just like pop songs are popular for a reason...they're catchy.
The concept of seasons is hard to avoid, especially since we and the world are constantly changing. There's a reason for seasons. And a reason to talk about seasons, I venture to say. Thinking about our time on earth in seasons may help us make sense of our lives as a whole. Just as, I imagine, mother nature uses them to makes sense of herself. Here, I'll talk about how I'm using it to make sense of my own life. I can do that because you're not my client.
Anyway, I'm currently not practicing therapy. I'm "in between jobs" as they say. It has been an interesting year for me, having uprooted myself from Philadelphia and moved to L.A. And then having turned right back around to Ohio after only 6 months. While an event in my life initiated this latter move (the former move was...just a move), I find myself feeling lost...again. It's becoming a common feeling for me. Part of me really wanted to move back to Ohio and be with my family. Another part wanted to stay in L.A. to see where the four jobs I had acquired would take me. Deciding one way or the other did (and never does) appeal to me. I want it all...at one time. Because I think that if I have it all, I won't be lost. But we all know that can never happen on this earth. I just can't seem to convince the disappointment center of my brain of that fact. So, I'm trying to re-train myself to see my life in seasons, where I can re-experience different parts of my life in a new way...if I want. When I get a chance to "revisit", everything could be different than I imagined. Unlike earth's seasons, our seasons may not look so uniform. For example, right now. I moved home to help out my parents, and naturally, I moved in with them. Although I've caught myself reverting back to 14-year-old Emily, my experience in this season of life is way different than my last season here. And thank God. I have to remind myself that revisiting isn't necessarily going back in time. Rather, it's a chance to move forward and hope for new life. Kind of like the real Spring.
Since I moved from L.A., I've told myself (and others whom I miss dearly) that I could return at some point. Who knows? There's a lot I had yet experienced there. Even though I might want to just pick up where I left off, it won't be the same. But that might not be a bad thing. When I think about it, even earth's seasons haven't been the same each year. I remember one 80 degree New Year's Eve in Philadelphia. True, that can be a little unnerving (scary global warming!). But it's also a little exciting. We might think that each season will be the same as the last, but we never know what a new (or old) one might bring.
"To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven."
Thursday, December 17, 2009
a prayerful musing
this is something i wrote during a creative worship service at a church i've begun attending. i hesitated to post it, because it's not how i normally write. but nothing is like i thought it would be so...
it's not prose, where i can add explanations and disclaimers and footnotes to make sure i'll be understood. i'm not sure what it is, but here it is. i've done enough explaining already.
rhythmic paradox
I am free while being
protected.
I create my will while
following yours.
I am powerful while being
powerless.
I am destined for failure while
being destined for greatness.
I give and give and give while
constantly receiving from you.
I am his, hers, its while
being yours.
I am alone while
being in your presence.
I am in chaos while
following your order.
I am in pain while
basking in your joy.
I doubt while
still believing.
I go while
you remain.
One day, I may not have a
while
but
or,
but I doubt it,
because
You are the King of Paradox.
it's not prose, where i can add explanations and disclaimers and footnotes to make sure i'll be understood. i'm not sure what it is, but here it is. i've done enough explaining already.
rhythmic paradox
I am free while being
protected.
I create my will while
following yours.
I am powerful while being
powerless.
I am destined for failure while
being destined for greatness.
I give and give and give while
constantly receiving from you.
I am his, hers, its while
being yours.
I am alone while
being in your presence.
I am in chaos while
following your order.
I am in pain while
basking in your joy.
I doubt while
still believing.
I go while
you remain.
One day, I may not have a
while
but
or,
but I doubt it,
because
You are the King of Paradox.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
beginnings, stalemates, and continuations
I thought about starting a new blog. Not that I necessarily wanted to abandon this one...I just wanted to put it on hold for a while. See, I recently started a new life adventure. In July, I moved from Philadelphia to Los Angeles. Not only did I change cities, I immersed myself in something completely different. You name it, it changed. The weather from four seasons to one and a half. The landscape from lush greens to dry desert sand and rock. My social network from a close-knit group of eight to me and two family members and a handful other loose connections. My space from a room with a bed, desk, serious wall-hangings, and a sizable closet to a floor mat and three suitcases as my closet. When I started "hmm...tell me more", I felt fairly stable and was extremely focused. I was climbing my way to an actual career. Now, in my fifth month of underemployment (I've managed to find a few part-time jobs to keep me afloat), I'm a little stuck...and a lot lost. I'm afraid I don't have much more to muse about when it comes to therapy. Because I'm not providing nor am I receiving it. I am experiencing a loss in momentum for my career, and I'm lagging in my thoughts turned words turned blog. In short, there's not much more to tell on "hmm...tell me more."
I have both therapist's and writer's block. What is an eager professional to do during such a static time? Change things until something starts making sense? I have to say I'm tempted to do that. And I'm pretty sure I've actually done that several million times in my short life. I know that change is good, only because of all of those annoying popular sayings (and then there's the pop psychology claim that the Chinese ideogram for "crisis" is made up of two characters signifying "opportunity" and "danger." I'm skeptical.) While all of those paradoxes that are meant to keep us hoping and moving, I'm not convinced that drastic change, like a complete upheaval, is always the answer.
But in a time when nothing is certain for me, what's keeping me from scrapping everything, moving on, and becoming a serial changer? I don't know, actually. But I do know that most of the things I think I should do, I shouldn't. And really, continuing instead of beginning anew every time I feel uncomfortable will probably be more lasting and gratifying in the end. I'll be able to look back on my journey and see a continuous (albeit curvy) line rather than a smattering of dots and random beginnings. And I'll be able to move forward without wondering if I'm really on the right path.
So as much as I'd like to start a new blog about my adventures in LA, I think I'll continue this one. And incorporate what I experience in LA...the sights and sounds and smells...into it. As much as I want to be a therapist right now, I am much more than a therapist. We'll see what emerges.
P.S. Here are some sights I've taken in. Enjoy, at least half as much as I did:
Grand Central Public Market
Angel's Knoll Park (seen in "500 Days of Summer")
(that's my friend Angie, not Summer)
Our Lady of Angel's Cathedral
the Old Zoo Trail in Griffith Park
a smoggy view of LA from La Tuna Canyon
atop Mt. Hollywood (you can see the sign in the distance)
I have both therapist's and writer's block. What is an eager professional to do during such a static time? Change things until something starts making sense? I have to say I'm tempted to do that. And I'm pretty sure I've actually done that several million times in my short life. I know that change is good, only because of all of those annoying popular sayings (and then there's the pop psychology claim that the Chinese ideogram for "crisis" is made up of two characters signifying "opportunity" and "danger." I'm skeptical.) While all of those paradoxes that are meant to keep us hoping and moving, I'm not convinced that drastic change, like a complete upheaval, is always the answer.
But in a time when nothing is certain for me, what's keeping me from scrapping everything, moving on, and becoming a serial changer? I don't know, actually. But I do know that most of the things I think I should do, I shouldn't. And really, continuing instead of beginning anew every time I feel uncomfortable will probably be more lasting and gratifying in the end. I'll be able to look back on my journey and see a continuous (albeit curvy) line rather than a smattering of dots and random beginnings. And I'll be able to move forward without wondering if I'm really on the right path.
So as much as I'd like to start a new blog about my adventures in LA, I think I'll continue this one. And incorporate what I experience in LA...the sights and sounds and smells...into it. As much as I want to be a therapist right now, I am much more than a therapist. We'll see what emerges.
P.S. Here are some sights I've taken in. Enjoy, at least half as much as I did:
Grand Central Public Market
Angel's Knoll Park (seen in "500 Days of Summer")
(that's my friend Angie, not Summer)
Our Lady of Angel's Cathedral
the Old Zoo Trail in Griffith Park
a smoggy view of LA from La Tuna Canyon
atop Mt. Hollywood (you can see the sign in the distance)
Friday, June 19, 2009
not really funemployment, as they say
i've been job searching for about two months now. i've submitted over 25 applications, gotten ONE call-back, a promise for a phone interview, but no actual interviews. i realize that this is common right now, but it doesn't make it suck any less.
people in my life have imparted upon me great words of wisdom recently about this. they say to enjoy it, relax, be patient. and yes, i'm really trying to do all of these things. i've had more fun in Philadelphia now than I have in the past year. meeting up with friends during the day, watching day-time TV, playing Monopoly with my friend for hours on end, and spending money i don't have. it really is the life.
but in speaking with another fellow recent counseling graduate (and dear friend), unemployment does more than just deplete my funds or give me free time to play to my heart's content. it kind of takes a swipe, a continual swipe, at my sense of purpose. being in school really builds up that sense of purpose...i became more excited and eager with every passing day. the culmination is graduation, where my home for the last 3 years bids me farewell and sends me off. i take a step outside of those ivory towers (eh, in a sense), all wide-eyed and excited. only to be deflated by 2 or more months unrequited love and passion. i put so much into those resumes, cover letters, and applications. and i reach a dead end most of the time.
i think that i still have a glimmer of excitement, somewhere. i got my first call-back, and i got super giddy and nervous. i'm not sure if anything will come of it, but it kind of renewed my energy. but how long will that last? i think that on my applications, i should write "p.s. i'm not sure if you know how excited i am to start working. maybe you should call me and find out."
stop me now.
people in my life have imparted upon me great words of wisdom recently about this. they say to enjoy it, relax, be patient. and yes, i'm really trying to do all of these things. i've had more fun in Philadelphia now than I have in the past year. meeting up with friends during the day, watching day-time TV, playing Monopoly with my friend for hours on end, and spending money i don't have. it really is the life.
but in speaking with another fellow recent counseling graduate (and dear friend), unemployment does more than just deplete my funds or give me free time to play to my heart's content. it kind of takes a swipe, a continual swipe, at my sense of purpose. being in school really builds up that sense of purpose...i became more excited and eager with every passing day. the culmination is graduation, where my home for the last 3 years bids me farewell and sends me off. i take a step outside of those ivory towers (eh, in a sense), all wide-eyed and excited. only to be deflated by 2 or more months unrequited love and passion. i put so much into those resumes, cover letters, and applications. and i reach a dead end most of the time.
i think that i still have a glimmer of excitement, somewhere. i got my first call-back, and i got super giddy and nervous. i'm not sure if anything will come of it, but it kind of renewed my energy. but how long will that last? i think that on my applications, i should write "p.s. i'm not sure if you know how excited i am to start working. maybe you should call me and find out."
stop me now.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
NEWS FLASH: endings make girl sad
so, i'm moving at the end of June. my plan (as of this minute) is to take respite in Ohio for a week or so, then ultimately land in the land of (less) opportunity...California.
i've had this California idea for a while now. the seed was planted long ago when my lifetime Philadelphia roommate/lifemate and i made a pact...if we weren't "tied down" in three years, we'd move to there. three years passed, and one of us (not me) was tied down temporarily. and i was in a groove in Philly...good job, growing and deepening friendships, totally awesome haircut. no point in moving, i thought...things are good. and they really were. so much so, that i decided to commit to 3 more years in Philly by entering graduate school. but as soon as i hit tough times during my first year, my once subsided desire resurged. i really wanted to get out.
i soaked in this dissatisfaction for a while. it was awful, and my friends can attest. while this steeping hurt, it brought me new life. during those three years, i deepened in so many ways and, i began to release my flavor more fully (i'm hanging on to the tea analogy, if you haven't noticed). i came out of my "depression" revived. things were still hard...school was more demanding...i was often lonely. but i felt fuller. i noticed that my friendships were stronger than ever and i was a better friend (and i can obviously also attribute that to the other people involved). i felt more secure in myself, found God, and refined my purpose. all good things, i'd say. so...why leave?
i think i ask myself that question about 17 times a day. i've been processing my move for about three months now, so that's 17 multiplied by 90 days....makes it...(calculator)...1530 times so far. my answer has morphed over time, and i discover something new each time someone else asks me the same question. i don't think i could fully articulate my answer here on this page, nor do i think the reader could follow it or truly be that interested in it. but if you know me, you've probably gotten some version of my answer. and i hope it was acceptable
ok, here's something short. in short, i want to find more pieces of me. family, love, geography, to name a few. it scares the shit out of me to even write those three reasons, because i have no idea what i will find in those areas. IF i will find anything in them. but i suppose...no...i am willing to try this and see where my move will take me and bring me.
oh right, endings. ever since i made my decision, i've continued to soak in Philadelphia. i kind of thought i would detach, but instead i've continued to attach myself and allow it/others to attach to me. i'm not sure if this is good or healthy or whatever. at times, i feel as though i'm abandoning that in which i've invested here. but i'm doing it. it makes this goodbye thing a lot harder, but maybe much more meaningful. but i AM still invested, even if i'm gone. while that is difficult to (as my old supervisor would say) concretize, i think that's how i want it. while i'm losing a lot, more than i ever imagined, i want to hang on....i really do want it all in some form. is that wrong?
new endings keep manifesting themselves as my departure grows near. while it's incredibly saddening, often debilitating, and just really painful, i think that the fact that i have to face these endings, and steep in them will somehow make me a better person. that's my hope, at least. and THAT really IS a news flash to me.
i've had this California idea for a while now. the seed was planted long ago when my lifetime Philadelphia roommate/lifemate and i made a pact...if we weren't "tied down" in three years, we'd move to there. three years passed, and one of us (not me) was tied down temporarily. and i was in a groove in Philly...good job, growing and deepening friendships, totally awesome haircut. no point in moving, i thought...things are good. and they really were. so much so, that i decided to commit to 3 more years in Philly by entering graduate school. but as soon as i hit tough times during my first year, my once subsided desire resurged. i really wanted to get out.
i soaked in this dissatisfaction for a while. it was awful, and my friends can attest. while this steeping hurt, it brought me new life. during those three years, i deepened in so many ways and, i began to release my flavor more fully (i'm hanging on to the tea analogy, if you haven't noticed). i came out of my "depression" revived. things were still hard...school was more demanding...i was often lonely. but i felt fuller. i noticed that my friendships were stronger than ever and i was a better friend (and i can obviously also attribute that to the other people involved). i felt more secure in myself, found God, and refined my purpose. all good things, i'd say. so...why leave?
i think i ask myself that question about 17 times a day. i've been processing my move for about three months now, so that's 17 multiplied by 90 days....makes it...(calculator)...1530 times so far. my answer has morphed over time, and i discover something new each time someone else asks me the same question. i don't think i could fully articulate my answer here on this page, nor do i think the reader could follow it or truly be that interested in it. but if you know me, you've probably gotten some version of my answer. and i hope it was acceptable
ok, here's something short. in short, i want to find more pieces of me. family, love, geography, to name a few. it scares the shit out of me to even write those three reasons, because i have no idea what i will find in those areas. IF i will find anything in them. but i suppose...no...i am willing to try this and see where my move will take me and bring me.
oh right, endings. ever since i made my decision, i've continued to soak in Philadelphia. i kind of thought i would detach, but instead i've continued to attach myself and allow it/others to attach to me. i'm not sure if this is good or healthy or whatever. at times, i feel as though i'm abandoning that in which i've invested here. but i'm doing it. it makes this goodbye thing a lot harder, but maybe much more meaningful. but i AM still invested, even if i'm gone. while that is difficult to (as my old supervisor would say) concretize, i think that's how i want it. while i'm losing a lot, more than i ever imagined, i want to hang on....i really do want it all in some form. is that wrong?
new endings keep manifesting themselves as my departure grows near. while it's incredibly saddening, often debilitating, and just really painful, i think that the fact that i have to face these endings, and steep in them will somehow make me a better person. that's my hope, at least. and THAT really IS a news flash to me.
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