a prayerful musing

this is something i wrote during a creative worship service at a church i've begun attending. i hesitated to post it, because it's not how i normally write. but nothing is like i thought it would be so...
it's not prose, where i can add explanations and disclaimers and footnotes to make sure i'll be understood. i'm not sure what it is, but here it is. i've done enough explaining already.

rhythmic paradox

I am free while being
protected.

I create my will while
following yours.

I am powerful while being
powerless.

I am destined for failure while
being destined for greatness.

I give and give and give while
constantly receiving from you.

I am his, hers, its while
being yours.

I am alone while
being in your presence.

I am in chaos while
following your order.

I am in pain while
basking in your joy.

I doubt while
still believing.

I go while
you remain.


One day, I may not have a
while
but
or,

but I doubt it,

because

You are the King of Paradox.

beginnings, stalemates, and continuations

I thought about starting a new blog. Not that I necessarily wanted to abandon this one...I just wanted to put it on hold for a while. See, I recently started a new life adventure. In July, I moved from Philadelphia to Los Angeles. Not only did I change cities, I immersed myself in something completely different. You name it, it changed. The weather from four seasons to one and a half. The landscape from lush greens to dry desert sand and rock. My social network from a close-knit group of eight to me and two family members and a handful other loose connections. My space from a room with a bed, desk, serious wall-hangings, and a sizable closet to a floor mat and three suitcases as my closet. When I started "hmm...tell me more", I felt fairly stable and was extremely focused. I was climbing my way to an actual career. Now, in my fifth month of underemployment (I've managed to find a few part-time jobs to keep me afloat), I'm a little stuck...and a lot lost. I'm afraid I don't have much more to muse about when it comes to therapy. Because I'm not providing nor am I receiving it. I am experiencing a loss in momentum for my career, and I'm lagging in my thoughts turned words turned blog. In short, there's not much more to tell on "hmm...tell me more."

I have both therapist's and writer's block. What is an eager professional to do during such a static time? Change things until something starts making sense? I have to say I'm tempted to do that. And I'm pretty sure I've actually done that several million times in my short life. I know that change is good, only because of all of those annoying popular sayings (and then there's the pop psychology claim that the Chinese ideogram for "crisis" is made up of two characters signifying "opportunity" and "danger." I'm skeptical.) While all of those paradoxes that are meant to keep us hoping and moving, I'm not convinced that drastic change, like a complete upheaval, is always the answer.

But in a time when nothing is certain for me, what's keeping me from scrapping everything, moving on, and becoming a serial changer? I don't know, actually. But I do know that most of the things I think I should do, I shouldn't. And really, continuing instead of beginning anew every time I feel uncomfortable will probably be more lasting and gratifying in the end. I'll be able to look back on my journey and see a continuous (albeit curvy) line rather than a smattering of dots and random beginnings. And I'll be able to move forward without wondering if I'm really on the right path.

So as much as I'd like to start a new blog about my adventures in LA, I think I'll continue this one. And incorporate what I experience in LA...the sights and sounds and smells...into it. As much as I want to be a therapist right now, I am much more than a therapist. We'll see what emerges.

P.S. Here are some sights I've taken in. Enjoy, at least half as much as I did:


Grand Central Public Market


Angel's Knoll Park (seen in "500 Days of Summer")
(that's my friend Angie, not Summer)


Our Lady of Angel's Cathedral


the Old Zoo Trail in Griffith Park


a smoggy view of LA from La Tuna Canyon


atop Mt. Hollywood (you can see the sign in the distance)

not really funemployment, as they say

i've been job searching for about two months now. i've submitted over 25 applications, gotten ONE call-back, a promise for a phone interview, but no actual interviews. i realize that this is common right now, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

people in my life have imparted upon me great words of wisdom recently about this. they say to enjoy it, relax, be patient. and yes, i'm really trying to do all of these things. i've had more fun in Philadelphia now than I have in the past year. meeting up with friends during the day, watching day-time TV, playing Monopoly with my friend for hours on end, and spending money i don't have. it really is the life.

but in speaking with another fellow recent counseling graduate (and dear friend), unemployment does more than just deplete my funds or give me free time to play to my heart's content. it kind of takes a swipe, a continual swipe, at my sense of purpose. being in school really builds up that sense of purpose...i became more excited and eager with every passing day. the culmination is graduation, where my home for the last 3 years bids me farewell and sends me off. i take a step outside of those ivory towers (eh, in a sense), all wide-eyed and excited. only to be deflated by 2 or more months unrequited love and passion. i put so much into those resumes, cover letters, and applications. and i reach a dead end most of the time.

i think that i still have a glimmer of excitement, somewhere. i got my first call-back, and i got super giddy and nervous. i'm not sure if anything will come of it, but it kind of renewed my energy. but how long will that last? i think that on my applications, i should write "p.s. i'm not sure if you know how excited i am to start working. maybe you should call me and find out."

stop me now.

NEWS FLASH: endings make girl sad

so, i'm moving at the end of June. my plan (as of this minute) is to take respite in Ohio for a week or so, then ultimately land in the land of (less) opportunity...California.

i've had this California idea for a while now. the seed was planted long ago when my lifetime Philadelphia roommate/lifemate and i made a pact...if we weren't "tied down" in three years, we'd move to there. three years passed, and one of us (not me) was tied down temporarily. and i was in a groove in Philly...good job, growing and deepening friendships, totally awesome haircut. no point in moving, i thought...things are good. and they really were. so much so, that i decided to commit to 3 more years in Philly by entering graduate school. but as soon as i hit tough times during my first year, my once subsided desire resurged. i really wanted to get out.

i soaked in this dissatisfaction for a while. it was awful, and my friends can attest. while this steeping hurt, it brought me new life. during those three years, i deepened in so many ways and, i began to release my flavor more fully (i'm hanging on to the tea analogy, if you haven't noticed). i came out of my "depression" revived. things were still hard...school was more demanding...i was often lonely. but i felt fuller. i noticed that my friendships were stronger than ever and i was a better friend (and i can obviously also attribute that to the other people involved). i felt more secure in myself, found God, and refined my purpose. all good things, i'd say. so...why leave?

i think i ask myself that question about 17 times a day. i've been processing my move for about three months now, so that's 17 multiplied by 90 days....makes it...(calculator)...1530 times so far. my answer has morphed over time, and i discover something new each time someone else asks me the same question. i don't think i could fully articulate my answer here on this page, nor do i think the reader could follow it or truly be that interested in it. but if you know me, you've probably gotten some version of my answer. and i hope it was acceptable

ok, here's something short. in short, i want to find more pieces of me. family, love, geography, to name a few. it scares the shit out of me to even write those three reasons, because i have no idea what i will find in those areas. IF i will find anything in them. but i suppose...no...i am willing to try this and see where my move will take me and bring me.

oh right, endings. ever since i made my decision, i've continued to soak in Philadelphia. i kind of thought i would detach, but instead i've continued to attach myself and allow it/others to attach to me. i'm not sure if this is good or healthy or whatever. at times, i feel as though i'm abandoning that in which i've invested here. but i'm doing it. it makes this goodbye thing a lot harder, but maybe much more meaningful. but i AM still invested, even if i'm gone. while that is difficult to (as my old supervisor would say) concretize, i think that's how i want it. while i'm losing a lot, more than i ever imagined, i want to hang on....i really do want it all in some form. is that wrong?

new endings keep manifesting themselves as my departure grows near. while it's incredibly saddening, often debilitating, and just really painful, i think that the fact that i have to face these endings, and steep in them will somehow make me a better person. that's my hope, at least. and THAT really IS a news flash to me.

please don't leave me

And with that said in my title, I would totally leave me if I were you.


If you're still reading, I'll now provide you with an extension to my plea:

I haven't been blogging much lately...for a million different reasons. Since my last post, I've been totally out of my mind busy...with school work, internships, personal crises, eating, sleeping, facebooking. The usual. While I'm the first person to poo-poo excuses, I'll give them anyway. Because that seems to be all I have right now...energy to excuse and plea.

Naturally, my continued desire to be a part of the world (even the virtual world of blogging) while feeling completely dilapidated got me thinking...is this struggle the sign of health?

I've been having a hard time separating myself from people, events, my worries, my spiraling thoughts these days. An expert on my life would claim that I've always had a hard time doing that...I was born what a lay person might term "overly sensitive." As a child, I vividly remember throwing myself into tizzies when bad or stressful things happen to me. I don't think was necessarily the culprit...it's not that I was throwing a tantrum because I didn't get my way (see, I was pretty much the perfect child). But when anything happened to those around me, especially those dear to me, I'd react like it happened to me. While I know this can be called "empathy" and am convinced the trait led me to this profession, I'm growing weary of being this way. It's like I'm absorbing everyone's pain and making it my own. And it paralyzes and confuses me. I don't know which way is up...I don't really know what I (me...ME) actually feel. So all of that advice that I gave you before about identifying your true feelings? Down the drain.

When I'm in these binds, it's like I coil inward. The further in I go, the less I'm able to make sense to anyone else or myself. The less I'm able to fish out what pain is mine and what is others. I think this is why I haven't been blogging...if I can't make any sense of things, who wants to listen to me? Wouldn't it be easier to just bear my discomfort, my questions, alone?
This seems to be the plight of the severely mentally ill, the schizophrenics, and often the homeless folk. Their path and their illness (whichever came first) has driven them to isolation...where they can't stand to be with people and vice versa. It scares me to think I might have the capacity to draw so far within myself that I could cease to be much to anyone.

Before you write this entry off as a downer, remember this (and I'm saying this to myself more than anyone)...The pain is not all mine. I need to hand it back to whom it belongs. And I don't have to bear it alone. In fact, at times, I might need to look so much further outward than I imagine.....like to a therapist (PLUG!).

Re-reading this, I'm not sure I've made sense to the reader. You can blame it on my harried state of mind. No, on second thought, just blame it on me...no excuses...I think I'm just like it. But I published myself anyway. For you...the reader. So you don't leave me.

giving myself a break

For some reason, I've had this notion that therapists have to have their shit together. So when I feel all over the place, am inarticulate, and seem to have an overwhelming amount of problems, I fail to see how I can help anyone else. I'll admit that I feel this way now.

Usually, when I go to someone for help, I assume they must have some ultimate authority on the subject at hand. I assume so because I desperately want them to have THE answer to my problem. I've struggled with the problem long enough, and I just want relief. Just give me an answer. Gimme. I swear I'll do it.

I might regret this, but here's a personal illustration: I'm not so good at dating...never have been...and at one very clever point in my life, I even referred to myself as the "One Date Wonder." When I reach complete frustration, I go to my dating gurus (I won't divulge my sources). I usually get some encouragement, some advice, some laughs at my expense. I seek advice because there are those moments when I still see myself as that little kid who just doesn't know or understand reality. Just take my hand...lead me to the answer. After getting my advice, I naturally go try it. And usually......I fail. And hate myself a little bit more for not being able to follow simple guidelines. So why, when I do what others do and suggest, it doesn't work for me?

The simple answer is they are not me. While they have success in an area that I don't and may even share my values, they don't have my history and my experiences, my brain and my perception. One of those things probably screws with their advice.

I'm slowly coming to understand that therapists don't have all of the answers. And they also don't necessarily have their lives together. If we did, we wouldn't be human. Our job is not to point our clients to some agreed upon or right answer. We don't blindfold them, give them a nickel, and launch toward to some promised land...watching and waving as they float away. Our job is help our clients find their own answer...even if it's not what we would choose. We go to their side, take their hand, and walk with them...maybe nudging them but never dragging them. For clients, they gain insight and control over their lives. For us therapists, we avoid beating ourselves up when our clients come to us and say "It didn't work."

SO. To my clients...I AM trying to get my shit together...I really am. But like you, it's a work in progress. To my friends, family, and acquaintances, on the other hand, I'm happy to give advice...and you should take it.